Sensuality and the sexualization of women.
I find that there can be a rub, or dissonance, when women are contemplating the embodiment of pleasure, sensuality, and the erotic because of the sexualization of women.
It's all been sexualized, and it makes it confusing to tap into this sort of feminine embodiment that is so tangled. It's scary because women, men, and the social circles we run in may likely judge or perceive us through this sexualized lens, and women historically have experienced a lot of oppression and violence in the realms of sexualization. But our sensuality and erotic nature is the heartbeat of our feminine energy, and it can, but it doesn't have to be sexual at all.
Deconstructing the shadows of the sexualization of women that have tainted our relationship with our bodies, sensuality, pleasure, and the erotic is going to help us find safety in embodying our female form and feminine energy however feels authentic to us.
There is an innocence in detangling the sexualization of it all that is our birthright, and if we want to heal our sexuality on top of this, we need to clean out the cobwebs of these shadows first and claim our bodies and our sensuality as our own.
We can’t take away the water we swim in that sexualizes everything about women, but we can regulate our systems to find our authentic place within this reality as a woman without denying or cutting off our feminine, sensual nature.
Everything about women has been sexualized, and yes, sensuality, pleasure, and the erotic can be sexual, but they are not inherently sexual, just like our bodies can be sexual, but they are much more than that. This sexualization of our feminine nature and our innate sensuality and eroticism has severed us from the richness of our bodies and this life, and this is something that once we awaken to in ourselves – nobody can take from us.
When you hear the word sensual, pleasure, or eroticism, the first thought is typically in sexual realms, but our sensuality is simply relishing in the pleasure of being alive in a body. It’s really just relishing in the pleasure of our senses. It’s relishing in taste, beauty, sound, sight, and sensation. This is how we interact and receive life.
The more heightened our sensitivity is to our senses, the richer and more pleasurable life is, and the sexualization of women has made this very challenging.
The modern-day association of eroticism is somewhat distanced from its roots. It’s been married to the sexual. Our erotic nature is not confined to sex by any means, but it is similar in the sense of how you follow your desire and boundaries in sex; there’s a primal yes, no, I want this, and not that. There is a primal presence drinking up the finer details of the moment – the emotions present, the sensations present, and the company or beauty that is present. There are also shadows of complying or going along with what isn't a full yes, or not being fully present in our bodies, instead lost in our heads, maybe even dissociated, just like in life.
The erotic is a full-body, full-being following of our boundaries and desire for life, and it comes against the same shadows. The erotic is tuning into a deep full-body, full-being knowing and inner signaling that is luring us forward and beckoning us to trust and follow. It’s the intelligence of our being that tracks what brings us joy and lights us up, and it's rooted in sensuality, pleasure, and the body. It’s our ability to feel deeply and to be deeply present, finding sweetness, tenderness, or pleasure in everything – even things like loss, anger, and fear.
The erotic is about making love with ourselves, life, and how we are receiving and experiencing life in our bodies. The sexualization of women and the feminine has obscured this. It's dissociated us from our bodies in a sensual, intimate way.
The more heightened our sensitivity is to the sensations in our bodies, the more awareness we have of our internal compass that is saying yes, no, this way, that way, stop, go, leap, run, jump.
The more intimate relationship we have with the sensations in our body, the better we can manage stress, our mental and physical health, emotional well-being, our strengths, and our weaknesses.
The more heightened our sensitivity is to the pleasure of touch, beauty, sound, and taste, the more we are affected by feel-good hormones that bring us joy and support us to thrive far beyond survival.
The more heightened our sensitivity is to the state of our physiology and nervous system, the more resilient we become, and the more attuned we become to our capacity, potential, dreams, and desires.
Our bodies are the keepers of our greatest wisdom, they are our north star, and they are the portals of our greatest joy, but the sexualization of women has made our bodies something that does not feel safe or worthy to love and let go in.
As women, everything we do becomes sexualized, especially sensuality and the embodiment of our feminine energy, which can make us hold back because the charge of these sexualized judgements, assumptions, triggers, and threats feel unsafe, and sometimes they are. This sexualized lens is what feeds the wounds between women; it’s what feeds a lack of safety both physically and socially, and it’s what feeds a lack of perceived worth with men and women. It threatens our work positions, our relationship status, our social circles, and often our religion or faith. We’ve been taught that our bodies are sinful, less than, and that they can’t be trusted or are not acceptable.
There are certain social rules around sexuality and sexual embodiment that dictate our place in different settings and in our different identities – our sexual identity, as a single person, coupled or married person, as a mother, or whatever age we are, whatever our career is, and on, and on, and on. When everything is sexualized and put in a box of expectations, shame, guilt, and pedestals, it gets pretty messy and confusing just to be. We can tend to either turn it all off, or say fuck it and crank it up fully in rebellion but in a way that is somewhat wounded.
It is not easy to be free in our bodies, in our sensuality, in pleasure, or the erotic for a very good reason.
When we consider the power of our relationship with our body, sensuality, and pleasure and we look at not only the sexualization of women and their bodies but at how much sexual and gender based violence there is, this also starts to unveil why it can feel so complicated to find or claim pleasure in our bodies and why it can be so challenging to not care what people think, or or why it feels so challenging to let go even if we want to.
Every part of a woman’s body has been sexualized – her eyes, lips, tongue, neck, breasts, waist, love handles, low back, hips, ass, legs, feet, and toes. Every part of a woman's body can easily have sexual connotations, so how are we supposed to be at ease in our bodies knowing this? Regardless of our personal experiences, violence and the sexualization of women is not only a collective and historical wound; it’s a reality we are swimming in. No matter who we are, whether a man relating with a woman or anyone navigating their own unique embodiment of their female form and feminine and masculine qualities – we are all impacted.
It is very hard not to contract and recoil within our bodies from our sensuality or use it as a power play for validation and self-worth when we know the reality of the sexualization of women, whether consciously or subconsciously.
Beauty, sexuality, and one’s body have all been tangled together, and it's become very hard to separate.
The classic realm of the beauty standard has been tied to a woman’s worth, and beauty is ultimately tied to how fuckable, how loveable, or acceptable or worthy she is for x, y, or z. How a woman was perceived by a man historically has been tied to her physical, economic, and social safety – this wound runs deep and is not absent today. Even though we may know these ideas are ludicrous – we live in a world that is steeped in this paradigm, and it’s a reality we have to navigate.
The sexualization of women means that everything a woman does is sexualized, and then she is judged for it – no matter what.
She's either seen as too sexual or not sexual enough. If she holds her sexuality too much, or too loose, or if she’s too worried or not worried enough about how she looks and dresses and carries herself – she can’t win. And when every part of our bodies have been sexualized, everything we do gets perceived through this lens.
Every circle we run with has an idolized version of woman, and the reality is that nobody can win.
Every idolized version of woman has a different take on how her sexuality, beauty, and sensuality should be held, but all the versions are still playing the same game, even if they look different.
If we cannot win, why are we trying? Because it feels safe, and it’s not that simple. But what you can do is start by holding the intention of choosing your heart, choosing your body, and finding your truth. Taking it one step and one breath at a time.
Feminine embodiment and erotic enlivenment are not boxes to fit into. There is no one way it is supposed to look. It’s about burning the idolizations to the ground and finding the pulse alive within you that has nothing to do with anybody else. No matter how much of a prude, a whore, a bitch, or mad woman you come acrossed at.
Until we know our bodies deeply and choose to follow their rhythm, we will not be liberated. And we can't do this without facing the disassociation and judgements we have with our bodies and our sensuality.
Sensuality is a foundational aspect of embodiment and the erotic, but it gets sexualized, and then we can either turn ourselves off, become performative, or find ourselves somewhere stuck in the tangle of all different shades of confusion and authenticity trying to get away from it. We can get stuck in a confusing dance of wanting to be sexualized and desired one moment, to being disgusted, afraid, and not wanting to be in another. It’s confusing.
Women end up shapeshifting constantly trying to manage the sexualization of women based on whether they feel safe or if they desire being seen in that light or not.
The goal is to embody what’s alive within us because it feels good and genuine – not because of what it looks like or how it’s perceived, and not in naivety, but in empowered innocence.
One of the struggles with reclaiming the innocence of our sensuality, pleasure, and eroticism is that when we fully come into our sensuality and the pleasure of our bodies and being alive, and we own how we want to move, dance, express, sound, create, love, and live, and how we want to dress up or dress down, carry ourselve, show our skin or not, share our bodies or not – it can be preceived as sexual or performative, rigid, or a million other things. It can make men respond a certain way, it can make other women respond a certain way, and we have to have the strength to hold our ground and find what is true for us.
Everything about women is sexualized, and we can’t stop how others are going to perceive us. We can’t fully stop the objectification of women. We can’t fully stop gender based violence. We can’t turn off the gender constructs that are embedded collectively. But if we turn off this aliveness, this feminine, sensual, juicy, raw, vibrancy of our physicality and the female form, we are cutting ourselves off from life.
Our erotic aliveness is the heartbeat of our feminine energy. We can’t just cut ourselves off from our sensuality and eroticism without cutting ourselves off from something much greater. This does not mean you have to show up sexually or sensually in any certain way. It doesn’t mean you have to share your body with anyone or do anything; it’s all about a deep relationship with yourself. It’s about a wild love affair with yourself as a divine being in a physical, finite, pleasure-filled body.
We can’t escape the imprint that the sexualization of women has stamped on all of us, but we can reclaim the innocence of our bodies.
It's not simple, it doesn’t happen overnight, and the journey is not linear, but it’s absolutely possible to claim the sacredness, richness, and magic of our sensuous, luscious bodies back as our own.
With Marigold love,
Abby
